Shabbat Messages

As you may expect, becoming a rabbi takes many years of training, both academic and practical. One of the requirements that rabbinical students at the seminary that I attend, Hebrew Union College, must fulfill is leading a prayer service for the community each semester. Last Thursday was my opportunity to lead our college in prayer. I’ll admit, leading prayer is incredibly fulfilling for me, but at the same time it can be intimidating, especially when I am leading for the experts in Jewish prayer. I got on the bimah and the service flowed just right. My speaking portions were well received and everyone was happily singing along to the melodies I had chosen. I was in my zone, doing what I love to do.

But then, the moment that had appeared in my bad dreams countless times, the sort of thing that would wake me up in a cold sweat, actually happened in real life. While singing a lovely song after our silent prayer, my voice cracked. And I am not talking about a little voice crack that’s hardly noticeable; it was a mega voice crack. Something that I did not even know my voice was capable of doing. The notes that I was hitting in rehearsal simply would not come out. Given how much strain I had put on my voice with all of the speaking and singing I had done over the holidays, it made sense that my voice was kaput, but I still couldn’t help but blame myself. My heart sank and I was devastated.

I continued on with the service, trying not to show my embarrassment or disappointment to my colleagues and teachers. When the service concluded, many people came up to me to let me know how much they enjoyed the service. I appreciated their positive feedback, and yet, the only thing I could focus on was those five seconds of misfortune. Even after I left the building following my service, I couldn’t stop replaying the moment over and over again in my head.

And then, a day later, the holiday of Sukkot began. Sukkot is known as “Z’man Simchateinu” or “the season of our rejoicing.” In fact, not only is rejoicing part of the Sukkot spirit, the Torah commands us to be joyous. Although I was fully aware of this commandment to be joyous, I just could not find the joy within myself. I was stuck in my head, too focused on my imperfections and other stressors in my life to feel joyous.

But what I find interesting about the phrase “Z’man Simchateinu” is that it points to the collective, not the individual. It is the season of “our” rejoicing. When I shared in our many beautiful gatherings within our Wilshire Boulevard Temple community this week, I was filled with immense, unadulterated joy. I felt joy as I sang fun Sukkot songs in the Sukkah with our Resnick Religious School students. I felt joy as I supported our Mann and Resnick Early Childhood Center students in shaking the Lulav and Etrog at our ECC picnics. I felt joy as I studied and discussed Torah with Rabbi Lewis and the BLVD, our community for Jewish young adults in their 20s and 30s. These meaningful communal moments melted away my voice crack anxiety and sweetened my whole week.

As we transition out of the holiday of Sukkot and into the holiday of Simchat Torah this weekend, may we continue to be enlightened by the joy of gathering together.

Chag Sameach and Shabbat Shalom,
Lisa Friedman
Westside Rabbinic Intern