- Clergy
- Shabbat
After almost a year and half as a one car household, I got a new car just under two months ago. And not just any car–a fancy, fresh off-the-lot, brand new, shiny car. I’ve spent the last two months marveling at how sleek it is, how sophisticated I feel driving it, and how wonderful it is to have this new addition in our lives. Well, last week as I was hurriedly heading off to work, I clipped the side of my brand-new, shiny car in my garage, immediately knowing there would be scratches and dents.
My immediate reaction was that of self-frustration–how could I have let this happen? Why couldn’t I have been more careful? And then it turned to shifting blame–who and what else can I turn my frustration to? The garage? The car itself? Could I possibly blame my husband for parking his car too close to mine?? I didn’t want to accept the fact that what was just a moment ago a new, shiny, and essentially perfect part of my life, was now damaged and broken because of my doing.
The irony of the timing of this accident is not lost on me–with Yom Kippur beginning tonight–it’s the perfect time to acknowledge the brokenness in our lives. And sure, this brokenness may have physically occurred on the outside, but it caused me to really examine what I need to repair on the inside. This process of Teshuvah, as examined by the rabbi and philosopher Maimonides, actually has three different stages: confession, regret, and a vow to not repeat our transgressions.
For me, this three-fold process of Teshuvah didn’t exactly happen in this order: I experienced immediate regret and frustration, but I started to feel relief when I admitted my mistake; I had to take ownership of my flaws to my car mechanic and my husband. I also had to reconcile my emotions of blame-shifting and recognize that I have work to do on that end–in that way, I had to really make some stark confessions to myself. Once I got through those two steps, I was able to see the bigger picture: accidents happen! We mess up, and a huge part of becoming better as individuals is taking ownership of the fact that we are not perfect, and likely never will be. We can certainly vow to never repeat our transgressions, but as I told the mechanic when I brought my car in to get repaired, I will likely scratch the car again. Teshuvah is not about trying to become fault-less; it’s about encountering the same situations and changing our actions. I can’t promise I won’t dent or damage my car in the future, but I certainly will be thinking of this incident every time I exit my garage now. That awareness, that recognition of attempted betterment is what Teshuvah is all about.
G’mar Chatimah Tovah–may we all be sealed for a peaceful, aware year ahead.
Cantorial Intern Aliya Stuart